Trapped by Your Ostracism


Sadness

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Three days of exceptionally warm, breezy and sun-filled weather. All sorts of activities available.

I haven’t been out of bed.

When I go, I go alone.  When I’m wherever, all I want to be is somewhere else.  When I leave, I feel sadness, despair and hopelessness that I didn’t enjoy whatever, wherever. I come back to the starting point alone. But I’ve become better at not remembering.  Anything.

When I go, I end up walking miles and miles and miles. “Miles to go before I sleep” is a cruelty because the sleep never comes and stays.  It’s not restful.  It’s another joke on me.

More and more I can’t get up the motivation to do that to myself – go somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere that’s not here. To pretend to have a daily routine, just for the sake of doing something.  To act purposefully when there is no purpose whatsoever. Even though it’s supposed to be “good” for me.  So are an anti-inflammatory diet, exercise and impeccable sleep hygiene.

I still don’t sleep, my joint and back pain never abate, and there are still only the phone that doesn’t ring and the traffic and outside noise that causes instantaneous terror and dread. The distressing paradox of silence and noise. What is the point to this?

This is my future.  I’m long ago through with it.  Just as I was cut off and out of all of my former life while the world went on, I now want to cut myself loose, too. When you severed your attachment to me, and I had all aspects of my life severed and lost all of my attachments, tangible and intangible, I was too shocked to mourn.  Now that I’m accustomed to no attachments, I feel no affiliations and I want to be totally unattached – to this painful unbearable existence.

We – you and me, really want the same thing for me – to be gone. Only I’m not talking to you – you’ve tuned me out, made me invisible, mute and a non-entity. I’m messaging to a vacuum.

We agree – I am not human, not even a viable object.

Animated death – with no respite from this entrapment.

 

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