That’s all, folks

I’ve scoured the interwebs and continue to come up empty.  Suffice to say that the US is a predatory, brutal place with a societal culture that promotes predation.  As someone who was committed to patient advocacy, and yet failing miserably when I needed and sought help, I don’t want to lead others on a wild goose chase predicated on false hope and foolish optimism.  Those lead to betrayal, failure and more suffering.

That, in all of this medical mecca town, not a single psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatric social worker or academic program offers any effective care and treatment to reduce unbearable psychological distress, nor is interested in doing so, speaks for itself.

That no one is interested on this blog or any other in discussing approaches or treatment alternatives sends a clear message.

Only I can find a place on the interwebs where no one else resides and Google turns up no results. WordPress putting all of my blog posts and comments on other WP blogs into spam was also a large factor in stopping.

In how many ways can one be ostracized?  I’ve lost count.  But I also just don’t give a damn anymore. They’ve got me where they want me – disappeared so as not to ugly up the place.

For the all one person (annalaw, that would be you) who read and commented, I am very grateful and appreciative.  I wish you the best in your quest for minimally acceptable care.

The reading list will remain in its messy, disorganized place.

And I will remain in this living hell until I can get myself euthanized and catch up to the social death.

10 thoughts on “That’s all, folks

  1. Hi AEK,
    I know I’ve put a comment here, but maybe I just thought I did.
    I’m personally very sad that you are giving up blogging. DON’T!
    I admire you. I’ve been a nurse practitioner and then a hospice nurse. Our son died by suicide 2 days after his 24th birthday in Urbana IL, July 2010. We live in Palo Alto where there was the Gunn High School cluster of deaths on the tracks(a block from where we live). Other people continue to die on the tracks-in 2011, 16 total. We hear the trains stop, and occasional helicopter overhead.

    I was about to give a presentation Wed, 5/23/12 to college students and I listed your wordpress blog in the references.

    UCSF has a trauma center and a person who is in charge of Langley Porter Psychiatric Institute, Dr. Mardi Horowitz. When he is not at his desk he answers his phone and actually talks to you. Call him. (415) 476-7612. He changed his website, but this is his direct dial number.
    Mardi Horowitz, M. D. Professor of Psychiatry | A slogan Horowitz is a Distinguished Professor of Psychiatry at UCSF. He has written 20 professional books and over 280 scientific articles in the fields of …

    This grieving is not easy, but if you give in to despair, what have you done but give up. Fight on! Keep blogging. Read dear miss audrey-, ,she lost her spouse 3 weeks before we lost our son.

    • I’m terribly sorry for your loss and the deaths of others in your community. I’m glad you are finding (I hope – I’m inferring this from your comment) support. I’m grateful that you are intervening and are serving as an activist.

      It’s ironic that you mention trauma programs. There are three in this area. I tried to gain admittance to each of them several times over the past 4 years. Turned away from all without referrals to anywhere/anyone else with competence in this area. I initially presented asking for trauma services and have been ignored. The only research I’ve been “eligible” to participate in has been through the local VA’s National Center for PTSD. Women veterans’ trauma services are sparse, and the research is sadly siloed into looking at GABA-ergic drugs (I didn’t respond positively), watered down yoga, and looking at biomarkers in spinal fluid (didn’t volunteer for that one). The researchers who pretend to “care” cease to do that the minute that the intervention fails to show improvement. No referrals. Buh-bye. Don’t call us (we won’t return your call), we’ll call you when we need another object to study.

      What was eventually gleaned (mostly via me gaining access to my med. recs.) was that me sharing my experiences was terribly disturbing to listeners. Some of them responded by withdrawing (no appts), others with disbelief and disdain, and even more with retaliation (inpatient horrors). I have no wish to cause distress to others or to subject myself to further distress at the hands of those who have power to hurt me. So this has been left for me alone to handle. And I can’t.

      I have nothing else to share or offer that might be of use to others.

      The college students are lucky to have you speak. I hope that the presentation goes well and that lots of thinking, conversation, inspiration and perhaps some innovation and effective action ensues.


      • AEK,
        Thank you for your reply. Since this is the internet, could you remove my name from the previous post and substitute 2010 survivor.

        Meds, counselors, trials, and approaches that haven’t worked doesn’t mean anyone should give up. Creating something and having a loving pet might help someone.

        The people who somehow have a quality of resiliency stay alive. No one knows what creates this resilience in those individuals. I wonder about this every day and wonder why our son lacked the ability to seek help?

        For others, may help prevent the person who is reached in time- to survive for however long- to prevent another suicide.

        Take care AEK

        • Done (user name change)

          Your son may well have sought help and not found/recognized what he was seeking.

          And there are things worse than a peaceful death for people with terminal psychache. Selfishly, ostracism comes to mind.

  2. I just found your blog, so you can’t go now! I find your through your comments at boringoldman. I don’t know your circumstances so don’t really “know” what you are going through. I am so sorry that you can not get the help you need. I have been depressed to one point or another my whole life. I was an RN, I also have epilepsy and fought my through my problems by sheer will, But healthcare being what it is anymore- Big Business. I couldn’t handle what they wanted me to do, there wasn’t enough of me to do my job safely I had stress induced exacerbation of my epilepsy and then just went and had a old fashion breakdown, Was put on mind numbing meds that has kept me out of any kind of work for 2 years now. I am tapering off of those. But I have family, they live close, I had friends that live close. Does my phone ring? NO I have a grown daughter and she will not speak of my depression, because” I should just get over it” Do my relatives or friends give two shits if I off myself and someone finds me 2 weeks later, I guess not, haven’t heard from any of them since last year sometime and that was a “have to phone call” I have this ache that you speak of, but I am not going to let it take me down. lonely and isolated it will have to be. Hell if I could pay someone to be my fake “friend” I would, just to help me get stuff done, I still haven’t done taxes, got my car legal cause I seemed to be trapped in this damn house. Of course when I don’t show up for therapy, does anyone care, make a phone call to see why I didn’t make it,or try to find a way to help me get there, guess I am not paying for that so that is out of their job description, god forbid they might but forth a little effort. When people get sick everyone disappears, I’ve accepted it, I feel you feel betrayed and I am sorry I wish their was something I could do to ease your suffering. But don’t leave just yet, take a break if you need to, be kind to yourself, you are worth it. Maybe some alternate medicine could help, someone “not in the system” IDK but please take care of yourself.

  3. Have you tried on-line therapy ( not sure what all they ask for, or if it is pay upfront). How about asking Dr Nardo for a direction to take, I think he can take it without flipping out! I have discussed with my therapist my stash of pills for “just in case” thankfully I wasn’t put inpatient, She seemed to understand why I wanted them, althought I did tell her I wasn’t thinking of using them in the near future, she didn’t try to get them from me or anything, there has to be someone out there that you can talk to that you would feel safe with the the worry wouldn’t be over your head. Cause if you can’t talk about what you want to talk about, why are they there? Have you tried to change your Name to have your post go thru, I would like to see them as I like what you have to say. Fellow insomnic most nightds, want to talk just email me!

    • AEG:

      Thanks for suggesting so many creative ideas, and for sharing your self management successes. WordPress monitors accounts by IP. But it isn’t the only entity to censor.

      But the bottom line is that I just don’t have anything else to offer.

      I wish you the best (and with the insomnia, too).

  4. aek – I haven’t read all the comments yet – I will. However, it is important to me and I’m sure for others to have your blog to refer to. While I do not struggle with the same intensity that you do, I know that what you have to offer is valid and real. I’m sorry you are struggling so much and wish I knew a way to help. You are not leading (at least me) on a ‘goose chase’ here “predicated on false hope and foolish optimism.” I’m an adult – and a lawyer no less – so I can make up my own mind about what is important to me and what isn’t. I have pointed out in the past that you have important things to say, whether you realize it or not.

    I ‘confess,’ when I first came here, taken from a post elsewhere, I thought you might be someone else I knew, and was in fact, ‘hoping’ you were. As I got to ‘know’ you a bit more, it became clearer to me that you were not this person, but I realized then that it didn’t matter … I liked you anyway. And I liked your writings even though I don’t understand all the science.

    Creating something new – a new way of seeing things, a new technique, what have you, I imagine is grueling work. If you’re not ‘up for it,’ it is what it is. But I see life in your writings, and enthusiasm for your subject. I don’t know what happened to you to make you feel / be so alone, other than you were a whistleblower and as such, became ostracized. It may be that I just don’t understand the concepts sufficiently, but it would seem to me, that as I mentioned earlier, through small steps, you could find peace again, companionship and hope.

    There was a lawyer I was aware of who was disbarred, and yet he was a real authority on his legal topics. He started a consulting firm, and I still go to his blog and rely on what he writes – because regardless of his ‘story,’ what he has to say is important.

    I don’t know you personally, aek, but I know enough to sense that you love nature, and animals, and people, too and that you want to be part of life (at least that’s how I read it.). I also know you have the brains to create something new. I think you’d have support once folks take the time to read and consider what you say. I’m not saying it would be easy. I have no idea what’s up with the spam, but I say, like the others here, keep at it. You have a real Voice that should be heard. Keep posting elsewhere and gettiing your message out, too. I hope you reconsider, aek, and realize that there may be a way to help others, while helping yourself (if you want to, that is). Not everyone is given the chance to do that. You have it. I hope you take advantage of it – you’re really only just getting ‘started,’ aek. Be well. 🙂 Annalaw

  5. aek – I dont know if you will see this as you say you’re done here. Hoping you do. At the risk of your thinking I’m bugging you, I wanted to clarify what I wrote above – when I said I had ‘hoped’ you were someone I knew. I did not hope that person was undergoing the struggles and sadness you wrote about – I was actually appalled and saddened when I read that and thought it WAS she. While relieved to learn it was not, I began to know you and see you as a person struggling in your own right, a person with a uinique voice and point of view. Even if you have given up blogging (temporarily, I hope), I hope to see you online. I am not the only person online who likes your writings and believes you have something important to share – whether you’re writing about something interesting (the Irish museum), light (collies!) or serious (suicidality), I enoy reading you, and I”m sure I’m not alone – neither are you. Take care care, aek.

    • Thanks, annalaw. I wrote a short comment to you on the other blog and wonder if you saw it… Would it be OK if I emailed you instead of commenting here?

      I am leaving this blog intact, but may disable further commenting since I don’t plan to monitor for spam.

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