Degree of Writhing

She was impaled by a person. Along with the act, she was informed that she would remain there and that the means to remove her would be withheld. She was informed that should she appeal to others who would contact the impaler for collateral information, that she would be described as malign, foul and unwanted. A few others who knew what was in store for her promised their support and help.

She was impaled for all to see.

She writhed and contorted and struggled to reach something that could be used to wrench herself loose. Those who promised help disappeared and did not answer her calls for support. They did not help, and they did not call on others to help.

She found herself alone.

The pain, the agony and suffering were unbearable, just as the impaler intended.

But the place of impalement was strategically designed to cause the slowest dying possible, and was designed not to make death come earlier. It was executed to cause the maximum degree of suffering with full realization of the fate and future of the impaled writher.

One by one, and sometimes concurrently, the impaled person used up her means of escape. She learned that to struggle was futile. To writhe more actively only increased pain and fatigue. She couldn’t get to sleep, couldn’t stay asleep, and she awoke very early. Sleep soon became no escape and provided no rest.

Years passed, and on she writhed and agonized.

At this point, she realized that she was out of all resources, and she called out for help from learned helpers.

The highly credentialed, learned helpers poked and prodded and caused even more agonizing pain as they slowly and methodically assessed her symptoms. Although she repeatedly told them that she was impaled – Look! I need people who are qualified to remove what’s holding me fast to free me – they ignored her begging and pleas.

The learned helpers decided that her writhing and grimaces and pleas for help could all be treated as symptoms of depression. She was told that she was going to be treated for her pessimism and refusal to believe in hope. She was forcibly medicated and restrained so that the writhing was contained. She was told that treatment was to keep her safe.

As she adjusted to the medication, she saw her body react to the derangements done it by the sedating, restraining chemicals. She struggled to writhe and react to the agony of the raw and festering wound. But she learned to be silent and to deny that suffering to the learned helpers lest they inflict more restraint, punishment, containment and contribute to her agony.

Some helpers came only to stare. Some to ridicule. Others to condemn. A few saw opportunities for sadism, and they kicked her, made open fun of her and reported to the treating learned helpers falsities designed to induce the learned helpers to inflict more treatment and up the induced agony.

Some of her treatment involved being instructed on how her thoughts were negative and to employ strategies to replace negative thoughts with hopeful ones. Another treatment involved instruction on maintaining distress tolerance. Both of these considered writhing as something to be abolished. Neither strategy dealt with removing the wounding weapon and treating the gaping, festering, infected wound.

It was apparent that this situation was permanently incompatible with life. She decided that instead of struggling any longer to free herself, that she would instead, simply try to find a means to achieve a painless and peaceful death.

But the learned helpers decreed that this was evidence that she was psychotic. Therefore, she would be contained until she was deemed “safe”. But the definition of safe was solely that she would not try to end her life.

Safe did not apply to all of the others who were content to have her suffer or to contribute to her agony and suffering. Safe did not mean a secure home, safe did not equate with a means by which to support herself, safe did not mean acceptance and welcome by others she deemed potential neighbors, coworkers, friends, physicians.

She was told that there are many treatments for her symptoms. She learned that they conflated treatment with efficacious, benign, therapeutic and beneficial. She learned that treatments were risky, dangerous, caused temporary and permanent harm, and did not address the causes of the symptoms.

She was told that the learned helpers decided on treatments based on their professional judgment. She learned that treatments are determined largely on the whims and beliefs of the learned helpers, and often they are chosen to punish the person for their audacity to exhibit distress and to admit that their underlying problems are not being helped.

And so she remains impaled, actively looking for the means by which to give herself a painless and peaceful death while all around her, the means to remove her from being impaled are withheld.

She remains a freak, a pariah, and an untouchable. Indeed, when she was contained and forcibly medicated, no one touched her except to wield a needle and crowd her into a locked cell sans furniture – no window, a security camera, a cage. Just herself impaled.

No one spoke to her except to poke, prod and exacerbate her awareness of her suffering by ongoing clinical assessments, each designed only to elicit symptoms and to ignore root causes.

So as the means to achieve a quick and painless death are not within reach, she has decided to passively bring about her death by no longer eating.

She remains out of sight knowing that no one will look for her. No one wants to see because when they do catch a glimpse, it angers and disgusts them to see her writhing in their midst. It is not pretty, being associated with her could cause a risk of social or work harm (guilt by association), and she has been deemed worthless.

She can’t wait until it’s over, and she looks forward to being too weak to writhe, too weak to comprehend the agony and too weak to care. Those signposts mean that the total and permanent end of her hell at the end of the learned helpers’ road of good intentions is finally within reach.

The Lived Experience of Ostracism

h/t whatnot

I first discovered C. Fred Alford’s work about the experiences of whistle blowers. In it, he describes what constitutes “knowledge as disaster”, and my experiences jibes almost perfectly with this list:

“What must the whistle-blower forsake in order to hear his own story?

* That the individual matters.

* That law and justice can be relied upon.

* That the purpose of law is to remove the caprice of powerful individuals.

* That ours is a government of laws, not men.

* That the individual will not be sacrificed for the sake of the group.

* That loyalty is not equivalent to the heard (sic) instinct.

* That one’s friends will remain loyal even if one’s colleagues do not.

* That the organization is not fundamentally immoral.

* That it makes sense to stand up and do the right thing. (Take this literally: that it “makes sense” means that it is a comprehensible activity.)

* That someone, somewhere who is in charge knows, cares, and will do the right thing.

* That the truth matters, and someone will want to know it.

* That if one is right and persistent, things will turn out all right in the end.

* That even if they do not, other people will know and understand.

* That the family is a haven in a heartless world. Spouses and children will not abandon you in your hour of need.

* That the individual can know the truth about all this and not become merely cynical, cynical unto death.

Not only is it hard to come to come to terms with these truths, but when one finally does, it seems one is left with nothing.”

Now plug in this list to Smart’s diagram below.

Multimotive model of reactions to interpersonal rejection experiences.Smart Richman, L., & Leary, M. (2009). Reactions to discrimination, stigmatization, ostracism, and other forms of interpersonal rejection: A multimotive model. Psychological Review, 116 (2), 365-383 DOI: 10.1037/a0015250

That, in a nutshell, is my experience. Ostracism is a cruel death sentence where all of the means to sustain oneself are intentionally withheld. The victim is used as an object of ridicule, contempt and alienation. The dying is slow, and there is full self awareness of what’s happening. Think of open heart surgery being performed without end, night and day without anesthesia, where the surgical team continually ignores the cries for help and instead makes jokes about the patient and his plight.

That is ostracism. Alford describes whistle-blowers who are doomed, but somehow, he never connects their experiences to ostracism. He discusses living as though one is already dead. Yup, that’s ostracism, because in the eyes of those who know and those who commit it, the victim as person has been murdered and only a ghost remains. But because the ghost has a heartbeat and is still enfleshed, it’s an object used for entertainment. In this case it’s used to create a feeling of superiority and legitimacy by degrading the victim as an unworthy, repulsive “other”.

I have been an other for time out of time. There is no re-entering society. I have been a most compliant patient patient and have repeatedly tried and failed to find a job, volunteer, make a friend beyond the most superficial of acquaintance level, and find any meaning or purpose in continuing to exist this way and there is none. In writing about some of my experience, I attracted a cyber stalker nurse and her band of bullying nurses, ambulance drivers and a Texas ER doc who wrote that “if she’s still alive we can make fun of her”. I was diagnosed as having persecutory delusions because my story “reads like a novel.” The outpatient psychiatrist to whom my case was assigned – she sure as hell didn’t volunteer – is married to the CEO of a competing organization in which I had been an inadvertent whistle-blower. In that organization, the mid level manager and director paranoia ran on high octane, and ironically, I wasn’t paranoid enough to save myself.

The paranoid whistle-blower is absolutely fight (sic) that his organization is not just out to fire him, but to obliterate him or her. The whistle-blower’s paranoia is an accurate emotional reading of an emotional reality: the one who has become the scapegoat cannot just be dismissed, but must be destroyed, so that others will know.

It is this aspect of paranoia that is the most difficult of all for an outsider to come to terms with because it represents a truth that is hard to know: that if the organization feels sufficiently threatened by the individual, it will remove him or her. Not just beyond the margins of the organization, but all the way to the margins of society. The average whistle-blower of my experience is a 55-year-old nuclear engineer working behind the counter at Radio Shack.

I was so desperate for help that I eventually sought it from the mental health non-system system, knowing full well that I would be placing myself in the hands of providers who were as likely to treat me with contempt as those who ostracized me did. All of my concerns were validated. For my troubles, I was diagnosed with stigmatizing labels, received treatment which resulted in metabolic, immune and cardiac derangements, was repeatedly deceived, humiliated, degraded and dehumanized, and was coerced and threatened. Physical problems were not diagnosed and treated, but instead were recorded as being somatizations and dismissed, if they were acknowledged at all. I cannot expect to receive competent healthcare from any provider who accesses my medical record because I am permanently and prominently labeled as the “xx year old homeless patient with extensive psych history”. When I pointed out multiple examples in the medical record of that to the outpatient psychiatrist, she sent a note to some of the offenders very politely requesting them not to do that anymore, and she proudly relayed that to me. But still it continued, and having been on the provider side, I know damn well that once patients are labeled, that they are treated with contempt, do not receive even minimally acceptable care, and they suffer for it with higher morbidity and mortality rates.

I took myself off every prescribed medication as none had helped, some were prescribed to mitigate the adverse effects of others, and many had caused direct harm. I read my medical record, identified what lab and diagnostic values were abnormal, and then I did all of the self care activities that I could do with my resources to reverse the damage.

But ostracism can’t be treated with medications and meditation. It requires a real physical friend, a network of professional/work peers, and a place in the social order. None of those are available to me.

Stillman, et al, describe life without meaning and purpose:

Why should social exclusion reduce the sense of life as meaningful? The pervasive reliance on social connection as humankind’s biological strategy entails that people are deeply motivated to connect with other people as a fundamental aspect of nearly all human striving. Meaning itself is acquired socially. Hence to be cut off from others is potentially to raise the threat of losing access to all socially mediated meanings, purposes, and values.

The formation and maintenance of positive close relationships can aptly be characterized as one of the primary motivations for human beings (Buss, 1990; Maslow, 1968). This pervasive drive has been described as the need to belong (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). We define social exclusion as a perceived deficit in belongingness.

Oh, belongingness. Joiner has something to say about that:

The theory posits that serious suicidal behavior will not occur unless an individual has both the desire to commit suicide and the ability to do so. Two factors contribute to an individual’s desire for suicide, a thwarted sense of belongingness and a sense of perceived burdensomeness on others, while the ability to commit suicide can be acquired over time through habituation to the physical and mental pain involved in self-injury.

I have been cut off from a place in society. The mental image I have is the astronaut in 2001 whose oxygen line has been snipped by HAL, the malign robot. At least the astronaut suffocates quickly in the absolute freezing void of space. His awareness of his predicament is full, but brief.

Not so the ostracized, who have to find their way in a hostile wilderness which is incompatible with life. I am out of place everywhere. There is no place to escape to. There is no respite.

In my everyday world, I go places to kill time. To use up the eternal isolation. To go just for the sake of movement. There is no reason for a journey. There is no destination. I try to keep everything out of focus, like looking sideways out a car window, because any conscious realization of my plight is too excruciating to bear, even for a moment. Time has no meaning. There are no holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, wedding, births, deaths, or special events by which to measure life. There is no quality of life. Everything adds up to zero. It is exhausting purposeless, meaningless, hamster wheel work, which is unending.

The psychiatrist conflated psychological assessment with treatment (not just her – I have found this with all mental health providers across disciplines), and I find this in the literature, as well. Assessment of depression, chronic severe insomnia and suicidal ideation is intrusive and painful, and yet, that is the extent of what she did at each visit. I had nothing else to share. My story was invalidated by diagnosing it as delusional. I will not refer to it again. It is not able to be heard by anyone. And I don’t want to cause anyone distress, which this obviously does.

It reminds me of times when people who knew what was happening to me would turn away when they saw me, lest they be seen with me and thus perceived as being at risk for ostracism themselves. There’s nothing like having people literally run from you to bring home how your life is destroyed.

She asked me what I was reading, but I’d reported to her my increasingly and consistently poor ability to comprehend, let alone, remember what I’ve read. I no longer read anything longer than a headline. Culling the literature for this blog post is taking me an extraordinarily long time. It probably reads as disjointed and not terribly well-reasoned. My cognitive ability and memory stink, to use the technical term. Yet, I can’t distinguish whether my nonstop efforts to keep everything out of focus, and so to minimize the consciousness of my predicament is the cause of my ever worsening cognition or just an effect of ongoing isolation.

Except for the visits to the psychiatrist, I have not had a single substantive conversation with another person for many years. And I wouldn’t really call the content of the visits conversation. In reality, I was always on tenterhooks trying to not evince distress, lest she decide to forcibly treat me.

I’ve lost the ability to have a social conversation. I can’t relate to others because I have no social commonalities – no family experiences, no contacts with people considered friends, no work role, no social role – nothing on which to any longer identify with others. When I was still trying to regain involvement via volunteering, as soon as someone got a whiff of my isolation via lack of those connections, they would abruptly cut off the conversation. I never heard from any of them again. The psychiatrist had been told this repeatedly when she poked and prodded into why I no longer sought outside activities. That amounted to self punishment. It’s painful to be rebuffed and excluded over and over and over. I am a slow learner, but I finally got the lesson: in order to avoid inflicting pain on myself, do not try to go where you are not welcome. That would be everywhere.

But she did it herself. She’s in a position in which, if she were to go out of role, granted, she could have provided me networking referrals to jobs.

But of course, she didn’t. Boundaries, you know. I was an assigned case, a cluster of pathological symptoms. Not a person, not someone with advanced education and related professional experience, not even a plain old person. She made two specific suggestions about how she saw me being able to contribute: to serve as a personal care attendant (adult baby sitter and butt wiper) or as a pet sitter. As if that wasn’t confirmation of my deemed worthlessness. Early on I had given her a copy of my vitae, and to her credit, she read what I had offered to her via a sample of my writing and the Alford article referenced here. And I don’t believe that she conducted therapy as a rule. I’m pretty sure I was an exception and guess that she primarily practiced psychopharmacology along with her administrative duties.

In my medical record, it turns out that her sole treatment goal for me was to keep me “in the realm of suicidal ideation. Dx: existential despair, but no worse than usual.” And that was the most positive thing written in my entire medical record. How is that compatible with life?

Stupid me. If I had gotten my records earlier, I could have saved myself the repeated distress of being “clinically assessed” (read psychologically debrided without anesthesia with wounds left gaping) and left to try to forget until the next session of torture and tell.

In my world, no one returns phone calls and emails. I received a total of 6 pieces of US mail last year (not addressed to “or resident”) – all from organizations requiring paperwork and none from individuals or anyone who knows me personally. I used to keep NPR on to hear reasonable, non-violent human voices. But I finally stopped because I often couldn’t follow the patter and it became just more intrusive and irritating noise. Now I just keep a fan running to drown out gunshot season – any loud abrupt noise especially during open window weather. I exist in a noisy world but with more silence than a monastery.

I can’t get any enjoyment out of any experience. Food tastes like nothing. Everything is a tone of grey and shadow. Aromas that in the past evoked pleasant memories are undetectable, and most aromas smell foul. Music is just notes, too loud and evoking nothing. People are nothing but harbingers of pain and dread. No one has voluntarily touched me except to perform medical procedures using my body as just an object, such as blood drawing and injecting a joint, in many years. I know better than to reach out a hand or to offer a pat on the shoulder. It would most decidedly not be welcomed.

There is no reason to prolong this, but my attempts at providing my own euthanasia failed. The LD50’s weren’t enough, and I don’t have the means to provide myself with a peaceful and painless death. I’ve come to realize that a painful death is preferable to this unending dying.

Ostracism means that there is no burden to anyone. Society has already unburdened itself of me.

Ostracism is a death sentence, and every person who knows that it’s been imposed on someone and yet who does not intervene, is a member of that judge and jury.

I can’t stand the notion that the rest of my natural lifespan is going to be spent in this wholly silent, totally isolated and destitute way of existing. It’s enforced insanity. The conditions explain why most whistle blowers get sick and die early.

Alford, C. Fred (2007). Whistle-blower narratives: the experience of choiceless choice Social Science, Volume 74 (1), 223-248

Smart Richman, L., & Leary, M. (2009). Reactions to discrimination, stigmatization, ostracism, and other forms of interpersonal rejection: A multimotive model. Psychological Review, 116 (2), 365-383 DOI: 10.1037/a0015250

Stillman, T., Baumeister, R., Lambert, N., Crescioni, A., DeWall, C., & Fincham, F. (2009). Alone and without purpose: Life loses meaning following social exclusion Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 45 (4), 686-694 DOI: 10.1016/j.jesp.2009.03.007

Van Orden, K., Merrill, K., & Joiner Jr., T. (2005). Interpersonal-Psychological Precursors to Suicidal Behavior: A Theory of Attempted and Completed Suicide Current Psychiatry Reviews, 1 (2), 187-196 DOI: 10.2174/1573400054065541

Williams, Kipling D (2001). Ostracism: The Power of Silence 2001 Other: 1572306890

Dogs that do not bark: ostracism, psychache and suicidality

The Way Out, or Suicidal Ideation: George Grie...

The Way Out, or Suicidal Ideation: George Grie, 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1 boring old man referenced this historical and alarming analysis on the evolution of melancholia to major depressive disorder.  Science?  Evidence?  Fuggediboudit.

MDD, the most influential diagnosis of the past 30 years, emerged from intraprofessional pressures and the ability of research-oriented psychiatrists to gain dominance within the profession. Most importantly, psychiatry needed a credible classificatory scheme to maintain its legitimacy in both the broader medical profession and the culture at large. As prominent depression specialist Gerald Klerman (1984:539) succinctly summarized: “The decision of the APA first to develop DSM-III and then to promulgate its use represents a significant reaffirmation on the part of American psychiatry to its medical identity and to its commitment to scientific medicine.” Medical legitimacy required easily measurable and reliable diagnoses. The diagnostic criteria grounded in the Feighner measure that emerged in the DSM-III to resolve the many unsettled diagnostic controversies—and that have remained mostly unchanged until the present—did produce a far more reliable system of measurement than the amorphous criteria they replaced. Yet, this particular diagnostic system was not tested against the many alternative classifications that were available during the 1970s that might have been as good or even superior to the Feighner criteria. Instead, their adoption resulted from the shared commitment to a view of psychiatric diagnoses and the path that the psychiatric profession should follow among the research-oriented psychiatrists who controlled the development of the DSM-III classifications.

The developers of the MDD diagnosis did not foresee the profound consequences it would have. They inadvertently developed criteria that encompassed what had previously been viewed as a number of distinct types of depressive conditions. Endogenous, exogenous, and neurotic forms of depression could all meet the expansive criteria of the MDD diagnosis. Moreover, because it could incorporate short-lived responses to stressful conditions, MDD was the most suitable label for many of the heterogeneous and diffuse complaints that many primary medical care patients present. Likewise, depression became the most prevalent form of mental illness measured in epidemiological studies because so many community members suffer from common symptoms such as sadness, sleep and appetite difficulties, and fatigue that need only last for a two-week period to be considered disordered (Kessler et al. 2005). The sweeping qualities of the diagnosis also made it the most attractive target for the vastly popular SSRI medications that came on the market a few years after the publication of the DSM-III. Primarily through pharmaceutical advertisements, ubiquitous messages associated the most common forms of distress with major depression. This condition became psychiatry’s most marketable diagnosis, driving mental health treatment, research, and policy. Ultimately, the Age of Depression that has engulfed the United States and much of the Western world since 1980 resulted from relatively esoteric changes in diagnostic criteria.

It’s all about c.v. building by a chief resident of a backwater psychiatry program.

Then there’s this – relational ostracism – an unwanted enforced state of thwarted belonging.  It can take many forms, and its effects are severe, persistent and devastating.

The impact of stranger-ostracism is strong and painful,and has been shown to lead to aversive psychological responses (i.e., a threat to four primary human needs—belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence; see Williams, 2001), and a rangeof detrimental behavioral responses such as social susceptibility (e.g., Maner, et al., Carter-Sowell & Williams, 2007), inappropriate mate choice (e.g., Winten et al., 2006), risk-taking behavior (e.g. Daleet al., 2006), and anti-social behavior (e.g., Warburton, Williams, & Cairns, 2006).Despite the prevalence of ostracism in interpersonal relationships, ostracism research to date has not systematically investigated relational ostracism (i.e., the silent treatment, or ostracism carried out by one partner on another).

What’s missing in both of the above?  Their relationship to suicidality and psychache.

There is such a dearth of literature about ostracism – and virtually none about clinical intervention, treatment and support for people who are targets – that it isn’t surprising to find it absent.

But Kipling Williams, Thomas Joiner and C Fred Alford’s work can form a pillar by which to build a clinical and research model to aggressively address unbearable psychache, develop strategies (which may include public health and social justice policy and programming) to minimize and remove ostracism in all of its ugly forms, and to reformulate how suicidality is assessed and addressed.

The highest priority items for me would be to deep six “suicide assessment” in favor of distressors as described by Joiner’s three domains of perceived burdensomeness, thwarted belongingness and the capacity/rehearsal to tolerate self-inflicted death.

The second is to couple all assessment with immediate and adequate distress reduction which does not entail threats of or actual involuntary confinement, intrusive observation, forced medication, any type of restraint or anything other than active multi-sensory comfort, safety and mutually deemed appropriate and acceptable interventions, resources and supports.

One more thing that is never addressed in relation to psychache:  the extraordinary amount of physical and psychological energy toll it takes.  The relational ostracism study illustrates that for many, being a target is permanent as long as the “source” is present.

When one is powerless to escape ostracism, has no ability to affect a preferred future, and is effectively trapped, suicide becomes more salient as an alternative to put a permanent ending on an intolerable condition.

Here I discovered a study about people with severe/terminal illnesses who wish to hasten death – WTHD. Of course it doesn’t include people with psychiatric diagnoses (those people are nuts, donchaknow), but it fits right in with Joiner’s theory:

WTHD as a way of ending suffering

Among participants in the studies included, the WTHD also emerged as a way out, and in some cases [45][69] as the only way of ending their physical and psychological suffering. Death was not considered as an aim in itself, but rather as an escape. Indeed, the idea of putting an end to their life brought a sense of relief to some patients.

In the study by Schroepfer [71] the WTHD was regarded as a way out or as a means of relieving loneliness, fear, dependence, a lack of hope and the feeling that life was no longer enjoyable. The study by Nissim et al.[69] suggested that in the face of oppression and despair, death could be seen as the only alternative, with the WTHD being the essence of a plan to relieve suffering. Similarly, Lavery et al. [45] reported that the WTHD was seen by participants as a means of limiting disintegration and loss of self.

In five of the studies reviewed [14][46][69][70][71] the participants also described the WTHD as a way of reducing the suffering being caused to family and carers. Coyle and Sculco [14] interpret this as a gesture of altruism, since the WTHD is motivated by a desire to relieve the family of the burden of care and of witnessing their relative’s progressive deterioration. However, although the WTHD was driven by such a motive in some patients [71], in others (or simultaneously in the former patients) the desire to cause no more pain to their relatives led them to precisely the opposite conclusion, i.e. they repressed the WTHD. As such, their wish to protect their family took precedence over their own wish to hasten death [71].

And so we circle around to Alford’s “knowledge as disaster” concepts. See the About page for a listing.

Until the key elements of this circl(ing the drain) are interrupted permanently and predictably, suicidality will go on unabated, unaddressed and just as vicious.

The strangest part?  Psychiatry, with all of its disorders, doesn’t ever mention suicidality, psychache, thwarted belongingness, perceived burdensomeness and rehearsed capacity for self-inflicted death.

But suicide is on the Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM5) radar – and of course, its proposed listing as suicide behavior disorder is nonsensical and is made up à la the Mad Hatter.

Tonic Immobility

This is congruent with my experience and how I react now to stress:

When a rabbit or other animal is trapped by a predator, it will freeze and assess the situation. It might then flee or attack, what we usually call the “fight or flight response“. If that fails, a last-ditch defence mechanism is to go completely immobile, to play dead.

Researchers in Brazil now say that in times of grave danger, this same automatic last resort is also exhibited by humans and is experienced as a terrifying feeling of being “locked-in”.

Terrifying feeling is exactly right.  It feels as if it will never end and that I’m totally exposed.  A target.

…physiological evidence of “tonic immobility” in humans…. Participants who reported a strong sense of being paralysed, frozen, unable to move or scream, tended to show less body sway, higher heart rate and less heart rate variability.

Even reading about this phenomenon brings the terror regurgitating up to the surface. I also experience it as an overwhelming sense of dread.  It’s an incredibly large factor in low quality of life and suffering.  It seems to be an automatic/autonomic response, and I wish I could minimize it, but so far, no success.

Trapped by Your Ostracism


Image via Wikipedia

Three days of exceptionally warm, breezy and sun-filled weather. All sorts of activities available.

I haven’t been out of bed.

When I go, I go alone.  When I’m wherever, all I want to be is somewhere else.  When I leave, I feel sadness, despair and hopelessness that I didn’t enjoy whatever, wherever. I come back to the starting point alone. But I’ve become better at not remembering.  Anything.

When I go, I end up walking miles and miles and miles. “Miles to go before I sleep” is a cruelty because the sleep never comes and stays.  It’s not restful.  It’s another joke on me.

More and more I can’t get up the motivation to do that to myself – go somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere that’s not here. To pretend to have a daily routine, just for the sake of doing something.  To act purposefully when there is no purpose whatsoever. Even though it’s supposed to be “good” for me.  So are an anti-inflammatory diet, exercise and impeccable sleep hygiene.

I still don’t sleep, my joint and back pain never abate, and there are still only the phone that doesn’t ring and the traffic and outside noise that causes instantaneous terror and dread. The distressing paradox of silence and noise. What is the point to this?

This is my future.  I’m long ago through with it.  Just as I was cut off and out of all of my former life while the world went on, I now want to cut myself loose, too. When you severed your attachment to me, and I had all aspects of my life severed and lost all of my attachments, tangible and intangible, I was too shocked to mourn.  Now that I’m accustomed to no attachments, I feel no affiliations and I want to be totally unattached – to this painful unbearable existence.

We – you and me, really want the same thing for me – to be gone. Only I’m not talking to you – you’ve tuned me out, made me invisible, mute and a non-entity. I’m messaging to a vacuum.

We agree – I am not human, not even a viable object.

Animated death – with no respite from this entrapment.


Poor Put Upon Psychiatrists

Info from the English WP http://en.wikipedia.o...

Image via Wikipedia

MovieDoc is perturbed that patients who are contemplating suicide telephone.  Instead, he avers that they should be telephonally instructed to hang up and call another number.

Despite the ubiquitous “If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911” message I wonder how many patients who are sufficiently ambivalent about ending their lives to call their psychiatrist would call 911 instead. There seems to be an expectation (standard of care?) that psychiatrists can somehow talk them out of it over the phone, or attempt to stop the patient by involving 911 or other resources. I find it ironic that many argue that video conference (eg, Skype) is inadequate for even routine psychiatric encounters and yet expect psychiatrists to, on the spur of the moment, handle a life or death situation over the phone. Why not send these calls to the people who handle them all the time, crisis lines, and stop trying to be the hero like one of those movie psychiatrists?

In Sybil Dr. Wilbur goes to her patient’s apartment to rescue her. How far should one go to stop the patient from killing herself? Why stop with a telephone call?

Should we pretend to do something we cannot do? Does providing access outside of an appointment encourage or reward dysfunctional and potentially dangerous behavior?

“If you’re suicidal, leave a message and you’ll get a free telephone session with your physician who wants to be your hero and rescue you and provide you with attention and make you cared for, warm and fuzzy.”

I don’t disagree that patients shouldn’t try to contact their psychiatrist, when they have one, but my disagreement is for different reasons. MovieDoc buys into many myths which have been exposed as such by Thomas Joiner. For example, the myth of impulsivity, selfishness and suicide notes are addressed:

To my knowledge, no study has reported a rate of note leaving among suicide decedents to exceed 50%. Moreover, most studies find rates between 0% and 40%4; a reasonable average rate would be approximately 25%.


Why are suicide notes so rare? Some have reasoned that because impulsivity is involved in suicidal behavior, suicidal persons often kill themselves before they have a chance to write a note. There are problems with this viewpoint, however. A major problem is that it draws on the distinct myth that dying on a whim is common. Another problem is the lack of empirical support that compares those who leave notes with those who do not. If it were true that note leavers are much less impulsive than those who do not leave notes, then this distinction should be easy to demonstrate in forensic studies that examine the lives, characteristics, and personalities of decedents. This difference has not been clearly demonstrated.


The relative rarity of suicide notes reveals the state of mind of those about to die by suicide. To say that persons who die by suicide are lonely at the time of their deaths is a massive understatement. Loneliness, combined with alienation, isolation, rejection, and ostracism, is a better approximation. Still, it does not fully capture the suicidal person’s state of mind. In fact, I believe it is impossible to articulate the phenomenon, because it is so beyond ordinary experience. Notes are rare because most decedents feel alienated to the point that communication through a note seems pointless or does not occur to them at all.

Suicide hotlines are staffed by people with all sorts of education, backgrounds and skill sets. There are no therapeutic standards of practice.  There is no accreditation, licensure or certification requirement for crisis hotlines or the people who staff them.  Caller beware.

As a caller, I’ve been treated to someone chewing his food and multiple hang ups (“I’m sorry I can’t help you. I have to go now.” Click. That was verbatim, and so must be in the script for getting rid of undesirable calls)

I refuse to ever have contact with any aspect of hospital based psychiatric services, as do I suspect a majority of people with past suicide attempts. The trauma and harm that caused is something I won’t expose myself to again.

But I would not contact a psychiatrist either since the power to force treatment is an ongoing threat. Suicidality is obviously not safe for me to discuss with anyone, and until euthanasia is “on the table” I can’t foresee trusting any provider enough to discuss core concerns. Moreover, I have no desire to distress someone else, provider or otherwise, with my concerns.

All this to get to the point that I hypothesize that there really isn’t a big patient population that would be likely to call their psychiatrist with lethal suicide intent.

Just as most people who commit suicide don’t leave notes, I doubt that they make impulsive “save me and be all warm and fuzzy about it” phone calls, either. I certainly learned that no one is interested, nor can help, via that route.

Indeed, I learned that there is no useful therapeutic treatment for suicidality. The current standard of incarceration (they call it containment), assaults and batteries (forced medication, restraints, isolation, refusal to allow patient chosen visitors to be present) and intrusive observation sans human interaction (unskilled people who do not speak to, touch or care for patients, but who literally remain in views at all times) is dehumanizing, demoralizing and confirms the extant hopelessness. It doesn’t ever address suicidality and its attendant concerns of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness.  It does nothing whatsoever to relieve the unbearable distress that predicates suicidality. It’s all about restraints, control and power.

Discontinuing mental health services and contacts was necessary to halt distressing assessments that were conflated with care and continuing trauma from a lack of effective care.  At least the iatrogenic harm stopped.

Like many others, I came out worse than before I received “treatment”.

So I find it ironic that the psychiatrist feels undue burdens in the theoretical situation of a patient contacting him or her with a perceived degree of unbearable distress.  Is it any wonder that the suicide rate is highest for psychiatrists?

When they remove the double speak and have that oh-so-critical insight into what will be done to them if they seek treatment for suicidality, psychiatrists, like most physicians, do not seek treatment and avoid seeking peer support or disclosing their “illness”.

The biggest walking, talking, suiciding ads for anti-psychiatry are distressed psychiatrists.

Emotions and Social Behavior

Well, so much for keeping up with blogging.  An unexpected health insult, weeks of bedrest and sequelae of fatigue and brain fog haven’t done me any favors. But whatever, here’s a bit of catch up, even if presented through a dense fog….

Kipling Williams is one of the few researchers who is investigating ostracism.  I want to read his major opus, Ostracism: The Power of Silence, but will have to wait until I can do so in library residence, as it doesn’t circulate. (If you have a copy to lend or re-sell at a bargain, I’d be thrilled.)  The library has it catalogued under social isolation, and in a collection titled emotions and social behavior.

The latter label struck a chord, for what is suicidality but distress signaling (the emotion) which if unaddressed, leads to suicidal attempts (the social behavior)?

So when I start thinking more clearly again, I’ll try to put together some sort of framework for addressing the distress signaling:

  • alienation
  • burdensomeness (perceived)
  • demoralization
  • despair
  • grief (situational)
  • guilt
  • helplessness
  • hopelessness
  • ostracism (externally applied isolation)
  • pessimism
  • powerlessness
  • realism
  • self identity loss – externally removed (loss/denial of social roles)
  • self loathing
  • shame
  • social isolation (as opposed to voluntary avoidance and isolating behavior)
  • thwarted belongingness
  • worthlessness (perceived and externally applied)

To date, no one has studied people who have made suicide attempts or completed suicides to evaluate what behaviors they used to try to adapt to the distressors, what train of events (thoughts, feelings and behaviors) they experienced when the distress wasn’t adequately relieved, and what directly led to the suicidal ideation, the suicidal attempt, and the completed suicides. But at certainly needs must be done in order to treat suicidality upstream – preferably before the suicidality is entertained and certainly before it is acted upon.