Trapped by Your Ostracism

Sadness

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Three days of exceptionally warm, breezy and sun-filled weather. All sorts of activities available.

I haven’t been out of bed.

When I go, I go alone.  When I’m wherever, all I want to be is somewhere else.  When I leave, I feel sadness, despair and hopelessness that I didn’t enjoy whatever, wherever. I come back to the starting point alone. But I’ve become better at not remembering.  Anything.

When I go, I end up walking miles and miles and miles. “Miles to go before I sleep” is a cruelty because the sleep never comes and stays.  It’s not restful.  It’s another joke on me.

More and more I can’t get up the motivation to do that to myself – go somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere that’s not here. To pretend to have a daily routine, just for the sake of doing something.  To act purposefully when there is no purpose whatsoever. Even though it’s supposed to be “good” for me.  So are an anti-inflammatory diet, exercise and impeccable sleep hygiene.

I still don’t sleep, my joint and back pain never abate, and there are still only the phone that doesn’t ring and the traffic and outside noise that causes instantaneous terror and dread. The distressing paradox of silence and noise. What is the point to this?

This is my future.  I’m long ago through with it.  Just as I was cut off and out of all of my former life while the world went on, I now want to cut myself loose, too. When you severed your attachment to me, and I had all aspects of my life severed and lost all of my attachments, tangible and intangible, I was too shocked to mourn.  Now that I’m accustomed to no attachments, I feel no affiliations and I want to be totally unattached – to this painful unbearable existence.

We – you and me, really want the same thing for me – to be gone. Only I’m not talking to you – you’ve tuned me out, made me invisible, mute and a non-entity. I’m messaging to a vacuum.

We agree – I am not human, not even a viable object.

Animated death – with no respite from this entrapment.

 

Emotions and Social Behavior

Well, so much for keeping up with blogging.  An unexpected health insult, weeks of bedrest and sequelae of fatigue and brain fog haven’t done me any favors. But whatever, here’s a bit of catch up, even if presented through a dense fog….

Kipling Williams is one of the few researchers who is investigating ostracism.  I want to read his major opus, Ostracism: The Power of Silence, but will have to wait until I can do so in library residence, as it doesn’t circulate. (If you have a copy to lend or re-sell at a bargain, I’d be thrilled.)  The library has it catalogued under social isolation, and in a collection titled emotions and social behavior.

The latter label struck a chord, for what is suicidality but distress signaling (the emotion) which if unaddressed, leads to suicidal attempts (the social behavior)?

So when I start thinking more clearly again, I’ll try to put together some sort of framework for addressing the distress signaling:

  • alienation
  • burdensomeness (perceived)
  • demoralization
  • despair
  • grief (situational)
  • guilt
  • helplessness
  • hopelessness
  • ostracism (externally applied isolation)
  • pessimism
  • powerlessness
  • realism
  • self identity loss – externally removed (loss/denial of social roles)
  • self loathing
  • shame
  • social isolation (as opposed to voluntary avoidance and isolating behavior)
  • thwarted belongingness
  • worthlessness (perceived and externally applied)

To date, no one has studied people who have made suicide attempts or completed suicides to evaluate what behaviors they used to try to adapt to the distressors, what train of events (thoughts, feelings and behaviors) they experienced when the distress wasn’t adequately relieved, and what directly led to the suicidal ideation, the suicidal attempt, and the completed suicides. But at certainly needs must be done in order to treat suicidality upstream – preferably before the suicidality is entertained and certainly before it is acted upon.